Commitmentphobia - Are You Holding Her Back?


Are You Holding Her Back?

Commitmentphobia. Just the word alone is pretty ugly. But…

You know who you are. You've been involved with a good woman for a while now and you love her. You've had some great times together and you want to stay with her. The only problem is she's been bringing up the subject of marriage. And this is making you uncomfortable. Why rock the boat? you say to yourself. We have a good thing going just the way it is, you say to yourself.

But what are you telling her? Are you telling her I'm just not ready yet. Are you telling her I'm thinking about it or I'm working on it? Or maybe I promise I'll marry you but just not right now? Have you been stringing her along for years?

If you are a commitmentphobe and she wants to take the relationship to the next level, be it marriage or moving in together, you have to be honest with her (and yourself). It's not fair to stay with a woman and imply that, one of these days, you'll take the next step with her, when in fact you have no intention of doing so. Even if you're truly not sure what the right thing to do is, at least share some of your thoughts with her about the subject.

If you are afraid of hurting her feelings by being blunt with her about your unwillingness or fear, or whatever it is that's holding you back, get over it. BE BLUNT. It's the kindest thing you can do for her. Tell her exactly what you think and feel, even if all you can say is that you don't know what you think and feel. Be brutally honest.

Above all, do not string her along and allow her to maintain hope that you will eventually do what she wants. If you're a commitmentphobe you owe it to her to be completely honest and open about your ambivalence or unwillingness. Then it will be up to her if she wants to accept the situation as it is or move on.

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Maybe you really DO love her and want to be with her but don't understand yourself what's holding you back. If this is the case, do something about it. Talk to a therapist. Do some reflecting. Ask yourself questions like, What am I afraid of? What is the worst thing that can happen if I get married? What do I think I'm going to lose if I get married? But DO SOMETHING. You can't expect to just magically wake up one morning and know for sure that she's the one. You have to do some work. So get going.

Need help figuring out if she's the right one? Read this...

On the other hand, if you are a confirmed bachelor and feel relatively certain that you do not want to settle down with any one woman for the rest of your life, be honest about this in the early stage of a relationship. Don't lead a woman to believe that you are the marrying kind if you're not. This isn't to say that every single woman you meet is going to want to marry you, but it's only fair to be up front as soon as possible about your intentions.

Commitmentphobia may be your modus operandi and that's okay. (Although it's unfortunate because you are missing out on a golden opportunity to grow as a man and have the kind of intimate relationship that's only possible if you're committed for the long haul.) Just don't misrepresent yourself.

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