If she's left you (assuming she didn't leave you for another man) and you want to get her back, it's going to take more than just some pleading and a bouquet of flowers.
She left you for specific reasons and you need to address those reasons before making any moves to win her back again. (If you cheated on her, see the end of this article.)
If she's like most women, she probably stayed with you long past the time she felt things were not going well. That means she has plenty of bad feelings and resentment built up, even if the break-up was cordial. In order to win her back your job will be to convince her that you've changed. This is the only way you're going to get past the mountain of resentment and win her back.
Which means…you will have to make some changes in yourself if you want to succeed the next time around otherwise it's just going to end up the same.
Wait a minute! you may say to yourself. What about changes she needs to make? Well, you can't control anything she does at this point, but what you can control is you. And the amazing thing about relationships is that when one person changes, quite often the other changes too in ways you didn't imagine. But you want to change for yourself first, because, after all, whatever problems you had with her you'll likely have with another woman.
|Great e-book |
on how to get
Now comes the work…
Think back to what her complaints about you were. Write them down. Write down what you think were the mistakes you made. Do some serious soul-searching. How could you have done things differently? What could you have done better? You have to find honest answers to these questions. Read a book about relationships or go talk to a counselor to get more insight into what went wrong. This may take some time. Don't expect to figure this stuff out in one day.
One thing that very likely was problematic in your relationship was poor communication. Many couples do not know how to communicate effectively and this just worsens conflict. Read a book or talk to a counselor about how to be a better listener and how to communicate and you will have a much better chance to win her back. Be sure to read this website's page on communication. If you do this you'll be able to look back and understand how many of your troubles stemmed from poor communication.
After you've let some time pass and you feel like you've really done some serious emotional groundwork, you can devise your game plan to approach her and win her back. When you see her, you will have to back up your argument that the two of you should reconnect with proof that you've changed. You have to be able to tell her exactly what you've been doing, what books you've read that really opened your eyes, how long you've been seeing a therapist, etc. In other words, she needs to know that you took some action and aren't just spouting professions of love that aren't backed up by a real commitment to work on things together. She needs to know how serious you are to get her back.
Call her and ask to see her in person. If she is reluctant, promise her that you only need a little bit of her time and would she meet you for a coffee. If she seems more open to seeing you, invite her out for dinner. (And yes, flowers would be fine now.)
When you're face to face with her, you'll have to acknowledge everything you did that was hurtful to her. A full blow-by-blow accounting of this will let her know that you've thought about it ALL and aren't just skimming the surface. She is going to want to know that you are serious. Then tell her in detail everything you've been doing (and are still doing, you might want to add, since self-awareness is a lifelong endeavor) to change.
Doing all the above is no guarantee that she will want you back but it's the best you can do to increase your chances of changing her mind.
If you've done all the above, if you changed some bad relationship habits, if you were brutally honest with yourself and accepted that you made mistakes, if you did all you could on your own to change and she still won't take you back, it's time to move on.
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a lost love
Winning her back IS a lot of hard work. But if you're convinced she's the one for you, the effort is well worth it.
Recommended reading: The Magic Of Making Up is the biggest selling "getting her back" ebook on the internet for a reason.
Infidelity Note: If you were unfaithful to her, that's a whole 'nuther ball 'o wax. You'll have to do all the above and then some. Read what Dr. Frank Gunzburg has to say in his book How to Survive an Affair. It's going to take a huge commitment to restore trust in the relationship and you have to be prepared for a really rocky road ahead for quite awhile.